Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
