Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
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