my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
