Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
