i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
