don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
