ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
