Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
