A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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