I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Randomize
