Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize