Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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