He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
When are your genitals available?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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