i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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