brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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