I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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