I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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