not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
