A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
