So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize