i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
