I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize