yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
