She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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