did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
