oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
