I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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