she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I stole a fireplace last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
