Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
