Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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