If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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