sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
high people should be assigned attendants
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
