Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
