Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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