I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
