I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
