he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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