i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Of course I have a pirate flag
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
