When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Girls should come with a carfax report
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
