yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
