It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
