I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize