How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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