I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
