I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
