Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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