I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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