Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
