Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
