god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
