Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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