yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
