Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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