I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
