I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
