just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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