Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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