nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
