I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
