Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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