3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize