We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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