so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
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