I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
