Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
