Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
