i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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