I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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