I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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