Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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