dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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