you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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