I wish I could teleport
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
