I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
it was like eating out sand paper
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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