Will you blow on my dice?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
