Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
