Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize