she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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