also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
