he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
