reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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