Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
