Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize